Thank you for being a freind.....

My wife is trying desperately to get in contact with some of my friends from pre-surgery days. She has found a couple on Facebook and bless her soul, she is excited. Little does she know that all these people have my current phone number and email…. but yet still do not contact me…. now, you may ask why? Is it because I’m a Brain Cancer Survivor…maybe? Is it because they feel guilty…. maybe? Is it because, maybe just maybe, they have to move on with there life…. as I have to do. Life is hard enough without worrying about the past. Friends are in your life for so few years, you have to appreciate them while you got them. They may be gone tomorrow due to an illness or an accident. I don’t want them to waste their precious time “freinding” me on some electronic reunion site. I’m not saying this to be cruel, I whole hearted mean this. I would rather they be living their lives that reminiscing about the past with me. Anyway, I’ve got 60 friends on Facebook that don’t talk to me now, some of whom were good friends from high school. Do I harbor any ill will towards them? No…well except the girl who slept with my best friend in high school…and the Bush/McCain/Palin/Fawell/Robertson Fundimentalist Christians…. oh yeah…the one who left me on my deathbed a few years ago…. I hope a train hits them all. I digress, I hope that all my friends from the past are living full, passionate, healthy lives…. that is what I want and I’m sure that is what they want from me. With that thought in my head, I’m happy. We had our times together and I hope they cherish them as much as I did.

Now, with that being said, Fran will probably argue that I am making new friends at the bar I hang out at (Ham’s). Ham’s is three blocks from our house in Greenville. The food is terrible, the bands are eardrum splitting horrible, and it has the atmosphere of an Applebee’s with good beer. May I say, an award winning pale ale that is so delicious that I want to die drowning in the vat! The place is like Cheers…”Hey, Ned!” The truth be told, the regulars, including me, are really fighting their inner demons the same as me. Divorce, illness, marriage problems, shitty job, etc…etc…so I say hats off to the fucking drunken bastard…and good luck with life…. including me….

Man....that's my Monday morning tape....

I don't know why but my friends keep dragging me to see these GOD-AWFUL '80's cover bands. You have probably seen them at a wedding or other social gather. The lead singer that thinks he's Sting or Michael Hutchinson(sometimes I wish he would afixiate himself). What they lack in talent they sure make up in volume. Complicated by my slow hearing loss and the fact that drunk people are trying to talk to me, makes me drink....heavily. In about 30 mins max, I'm ready to leave. I make up any excuse I can "I gotta watch the little one." or "Fran is sick" or "I have explosive diahrea!" When we these people learn that I lived through the '80's and it sucked BIG FAT DONKEY DICK!!

Shrinks......

So....I had a visit planned to do see a "doctor" on Wednesday. It snowed about 6 inches in Greenville the night before so everyone with a car on the road was driving 10 miles an hour. Completely frustrating!! So after 45 mins and only going 5 miles, I arrive. I go into the office armed with a significant list of talking point...abandonment, relationships, brain cancer, post surgery life, family, anger issues..etc...etc...I go to the receptionist with a fake smile on my face and say hello and ask how she is doing that morning. She says NOTHING and just takes my DL and Medicare card. She then tells me it will be $150.00. I've found out in the last 5 years that I have to hold my tongue a bit. Instead of saying, "How do you fucking sleep at night?", I simply replied, "I can't afford that." and proceeded to leave. Why is it so expensive to talk your problems over with a stranger. My wife and I spent a lot of time finding this physchologist ande we're promised that she accepted medicaid. She specializes in Brain Cancer survivors. So she should know.....Brain Cancer survivors are usually BROKE....I'm sorry, I have a family, I would rather spend the money on their happiness than my own....I quess society wants me to be a miserable bastard my whole life...so if I'm mean towards you or seem depressed, fell free to call Dr Mayo at 252.758.6080 and disguse with her how she refuses indigent people who need help or just simply ask her how the fuck she sleeps at night?

Time...

The more things change.....the more they become fucked up!!! I received my social security back pay around the end of October.....FINALLY. As soon as I received it, I started planning on where I was going to move my family to. Maine, Virginia, Etc. I needed to move to a more civilized town, where the people didn't stone you and give you evil looks because you didn't go to their church and you celebrate Halloween. Where first cousins didn't marry each other.....and where first cousins don't swindle you! We chose Greenville, NC, a beautiful little southern town that has everything from lots of parks to colonics. It's the home of East Carolina University. The University has an amazing medical complex and a school of medicine. I hope I can help inspire/mold these young doctors into real doctors that care and not the "treat 'em and street 'em" douchbag doctors that we have today. We decided since the economy/job market was in the crappier and still hasn't hit bottom yet, that is was a good time for my wife and I to go back to school. We're both excited about our prospect and we absolutely love this town!!! Those of you that read Fran's blog already have read about this at naseum...


So why has the depression followed me...I have a perfect family, I have money in bank, I'm in good health, I don't smoke anymore, I own the complete season of Band of Brothers.....My life is the most perfect(not a word but it is my blog and I will fucking use it) it has ever been in my life...so what's up with the crying spells for no reason while sitting in traffic? What's with the rage that I feel with reconnecting with someone on Facebook? Why some days do I just want to sit on the couch and do absolutely nothing, zilch? Why, oh why, am I blessed with the shittiest parents in the world who seem to get shittier with every passing phone call? I'm not an idiot, they split my noggin like a walnut, so I know that my hormones are wack. I can admit I've having a bad day, that these things are starting to get to best of me...I'm a "bottler" and probably will always be...that is the first step though....acceptance. Well ...we hope all these issues can start to be resolved on Wednesday by Dr Mayo.....I assume Dr. Ketchup was busy.....